This is for any Mother out there who is feeling alone and unworthy. You are not alone and you are so worthy!
Finding out I was pregnant, with my now, 2-year-old daughter, was one of the most confusing days of my life. First of all, on the way to a 10:30A hair appointment, my female intuition kicked in and was like “Girl?...GIRL?...where is your period?” So at this point I’m hungry, in dire need of a blowout and now possibly about 6-8 weeks pregnant; ya girl is stressed. First-things-first, I stop to Chick-Fil-A to get food because, if I am pregnant I definitely need to eat…Obviously! Then I go to the grocery store, pick-up THE TEST (dun, dun, dunnnnn) and go to the bathroom to find out my truth. I told Yall, I have a 2-year-old now, so I was definitely pregnant! To save all the in between, nuances that can kind of be skipped: Yes, I had a beautiful pregnancy and delivery, gorgeous baby showers and yes, my “baby daddy” and then boyfriend at the time did stick around! (ayyyeeee). So checking off everything on the “need to have” list for expectant new moms, I had: -Family -Friends -Career -Degree -Health Insurance -Home -Car … I could go on… But I never would have thought that even with all of the above support systems in place my biggest battle to my surprise was not figuring out the ins and outs of new motherhood. My biggest was one that quite frankly neither myself, my support system, or health care professionals really prepared me for: Post-Partum Depression. I don’t want to mislead you all, let’s be clear, of course my loved ones called, checked in on me with frequent visits, offered to give me much needed breaks by watching my daughter, and often…I mean very often asked the age old question “are you sure you are okay?” but I was a new mom, with little to no sleep, I was hungry and most of the days needed a good shower; so me “not being okay” seemed like it was the new norm and it certainly did not seem like the tip of the iceberg for the glacier called, Post- Partum Depression. I mean, what new mom didn’t experience at a glimpse everything I just mentioned above? So for me, this wasn’t enough to think I was dealing with anything too serious. Furthermore, the idea of me being 25 years old, really in the prime of my young life and dealing with depression of any kind just seemed trivial and cliché. I am very much (as my best friend would say) a “nah I got it” type of woman. I pride myself on being able to handle my own situations without impeding on the lives of others. I am a Sociologist, graduate of the illustrious University of North Carolina at Charlotte University; so naturally I started to recognize some alarming changes and shifts in my mental and emotional awareness. Yet and still, I felt like, “nah, I got this”. It was not until I had my boyfriend downstairs extremely worried (for a lack of better words) with our then one-year-old daughter and my mother in my upstairs bathroom cleaning and wrapping a self-inflicted gash on my forearm, that I realized “Nah, IT has YOU”. This broke me. What about my “list”, all the support systems in place? It’s ME, I would think to myself all the time! Like this is ME, I can get through anything. Nothing on my list, not my degree, my health insurance, my car, and sadly not even my friends and family could protect me from this…post-partum was my journey to take, this was the unavoidable chapter of my life I was in but I decided I would control the narrative. This was my testimony, well IS my testimony, I should say because I still battle with every day. This got me to thinking that I have never sat down with a group woman my age and talked about the ways in which woman in my age cohort (Millennials) cope with post-partum depression. There is such a cliché attached to pregnancies in young women and it makes it seems like post-partum is not prevalent for this age group. The social construction of pregnancy in young women is so “utopian”, I mean look at social media, the “wave” of pregnancy for women ages 21-28 is Announce your pregnancy Take hella cute pictures preferably surrounded by flowers in a flowy dress Have the most outlandish baby shower ever (no shade at all… I literally had 3 outlandish baby showers; so it’s cool) Swoon on your baby daddy, boyfriend, husband; whateva, as much as you can before a little life comes and steals all the attention Have your baby Chill for about 2 weeks and then pop out with a “snap back body” Then from there on its just statuses, meme’s and a constant repetition of the whole **“I’M foCuSeD oN thIs “baG”, my baby and DASSIT” but in reality this song sings more like: “It’s hard for me to focus on my job or my baby because I feel like my brain and my body have gone against me at the same time…sis” As one can imagine, this doesn’t make for a shareable Facebook status or an easy 180-character tweet so it goes unsaid and many women suffer in silence because of it. ** for those wondering, I meant to type that sentence with misplaced capitalizations this is an indication (a colloquialism developed through social media) that I am mocking something or someone** I’m no licensed doctor but I have begun to create a world for myself were I am in control how the vicissitudes of life affect me and this includes post-partum depression. So without further ado This is my “not so official” OFFICIAL list of some helpful tidbits towards living ABOVE Post-Partum Depression: Full Disclosure: 100% openness with everyone. There is nobody in your “immediate” circle (this would be the ones you consider day ones or ride or dies) that should be in the dark about what you are dealing with. Tell them! How you tell them and how much you tell them is up to you but remember that you are in control of the help you receive from the people you love. They can only help you with the situations they know about. Journal: Get a journal and keep it with you everywhere you go. Write down what you were doing, eating, wearing, what you were listening to, etc. when you started to experience ill feelings (sadness, fear/anger, etc.) this will give insight to what may be some of your possible triggers. If you know what is triggering your pain, you can better heal from it. Music: Take some times to be alone with music. Music therapy has proven to be quite helpful in dealing with depression/ anxiety. This can be any kind of music you want it to be but the point of this is to disengage from the TV, Social Media and constant communication with others, to just listen to some good music. Nature: This is my favorite nuance! Figure out what you love about nature!! I’m no hiker or mountain climber, so you won’t catch me strapped to a rope and strong arming my way up any mountains BUT I have learned that God’s earth is therapeutic in and of itself. Find a pond and just sit, find a trial and walk, find a bench and write in your journal. Hell, walk to the mailbox and just take in 10 deep breathes of fresh air. No matter what, you will benefit from investing in mother nature. Food: Now…look…I said I was not a licensed doctor but I definitely think the food you consume has more of an effect on you than just weight loss or weight gain. I decided to give up meat a while ago (I have lapses in judgement with this, this is a judgement free zone you little devout vegetarians) but it really helped with my weight loss and mental balance. Adopting new and healthy eating habits is almost like a restart for your body’s overall health. Having a baby changes your body and metabolism and it is quite possibly adjusting your eating habits can have some holistic benefits. Me-Time: Find the time…AHT AHT…I SAID WHAT I SAID…find the time!! We are all busy and working mothers, but again find the time. Your, “me time” does not have to be over the top. Sometimes my “me time” is putting my daughter down for bed a little earlier and taking 10 extra crispy lemon pepper wings to the face, followed by a glass (or 7) of my favorite bottle of wine. Sometimes my “me time” is a weekend at a nice hotel with complimentary breakfast were I only get out of bed to eat (yes, only to eat). You decide how you spend your “me time” because you damn sure are going to make the time for it!!! Positive Reinforcement: You will have good days and bad days, be thankful for them both. Don’t spend a lot of your time figuring out how you can “cure” this. Just understand how you can love yourself through it. Don’t beat yourself up if you aren’t all smiles, laughs and cheers for a day, you are entitled to your free expression of outwardly emotion. Yet, don’t allow yourself to miss out on smiles and laughter because you are complacent with your discomfort, force yourself into uncomfortable situations (as long as they are for the better good…but you be the judge of that) So, this is what I have incorporated into my life and it has altered the trajectory of my mental, emotional and spiritual wellbeing tremendously. I’m just breaking the ice, this isn’t the end all- be all conversation for women and millennials in relation to coping with post-partum depression. If you or anyone else is coping with this share your thoughts, coping mechanisms, and/or licensed therapist/psychologist with us, here on this safe space! Thank you all for reading this! Remember to love yourself! P.S - “Post-Partum is a bitch…but YOU are a bigger and badder one!” Black. Unapologetic ally, Black. Mother. Daughter. Writer. Forever Student. Leader. Follower. Lover. Feminist. Nature Enthusiast. Progressive Literary Enthusiast. Sociologist. Lover of animals....Do you like me now? I am a conundrum of unspoken thoughts. The juxtaposition between what you feel and what you know. I follow my heart wherever it goes and suffer the consequences.
This article was featured in the Spring/Summer Issue of The Prevailing Woman Magazine. To purchase your copy (paper and e-copy available) click here: https://prevailingwoman.com/product/springsummer2020/
Surprise the magazine also includes a Q & A interview spotlight feature with some additional information on The Millennial Mom's Digest so grab your copy TODAY!
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